We were so excited.
We had been waiting for this day for a long time!
The nurse showed us into a small room in the back of the doctor’s office. She instructed me to lay on the bed while she set up the ultrasound machine. My husband and I could hardly wait to see the little one who had been growing inside me for the last nineteen weeks.
We’d planned a special gender reveal party for the next day. Treats, friends, games… we just wanted to celebrate our baby! I had even set up the crib and filled it with stuffed animals and blankets in preparation for the party.
What I had dreamed about for years was finally happening. Me, a mama!
The nurse was very quiet while she took pictures.
"Can you write the baby's gender down? We want to be surprised at our reveal party." No answer, just a smile.
I started to get nervous. "I just want to make sure everything's okay," I said, hoping she would reassure me.
Still, no answer.
When she was finished, she left the room without an explanation. Tim assured me that she must be printing pictures of our unborn baby. After a very long wait, she brought someone else into the room.
"This is the doctor," she said.
My heart sank.
For some unknown reason, our baby’s heart had stopped beating. It felt like my own heart had stopped beating, too.
Because I was almost halfway through my pregnancy, the doctor decided to induce labor. She sent us to the hospital’s birthing unit. The nurses apologized for the crying babies we could hear.
While our baby would be born lifeless, others were welcoming new life into their families.
That day I delivered our stillborn baby, the son we could never bring home.
In my imagination the drive home from the hospital was happy- the sun shining, me sitting in the back seat next to our brand new baby, Tim grinning at me in the rearview mirror, so proud to be a dad.
Instead, we drove home in the dark, silent as my husband navigated the snowy streets. An empty back seat, my empty body, our empty hearts.
Grief almost swallowed me up. I cried more tears than I thought possible. I laid on the nursery floor, sobs shaking my whole body.
It felt like I was living someone else’s life.
Surely, this wasn’t happening to me. But it was.
Pregnancy announcements made me feel sick. I had to hold back tears walking by the baby section at the grocery store.
Some days I could barely get out of bed. I just wanted to sleep so I didn’t have to face reality.
That was the hardest time in my life. But during that time I grew closer to my God.
God was my comfort.
If you’ve had an experience similar to me, I want to share some of God’s comfort with you.
After our loss, my heart was broken. But God is near to those with broken hearts.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
These words brought relief and calm to my soul. What an assurance to know that God is near in my sorrow and heartache.
During the weeks and months following the loss of my son, I clung to the promises in God’s Word.
When the grief was unbearable, I read verses like Psalm 73:26
When I felt frustrated that I didn’t understand why this had happened, I turned to Romans 8:28.
All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
When I worried about future pregnancies and if I would ever have the chance to be a mother, I meditated on 1 Peter 5:7 and Philippians 4:5-7.
Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.
-1 Peter 5:7
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
When I needed comfort and peace, I read Psalm 23 and 139.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
God’s Word sustained me during the most difficult time in my life.
The loss of my son is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, but it caused me to turn to the Bible and to trust God’s promises for real.
It’s been five years, and I still think about what life would be like if our son had lived. Although the debilitating grief is gone, I still feel an occasional pang of sadness in my heart when I think of him. I don’t know why we miscarried our baby, but I do know that God is good.
God has since given us three happy, healthy babies, and I’ve learned to pray and lean on His Word more and more as I experience new joys and difficulties in motherhood. Filling my heart with truth from the Bible continues to carry me through each day.
I’m so grateful that God has allowed me to be a mom. But I believe that he is good and faithful and his promises would sustain me even if motherhood wasn’t part of his plan for my life.
I say with Job,
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
Throughout the highs and lows of life, God’s promises have given me so much rest, peace, and hope. No matter your circumstances, you can find hope and help in the Bible.
In times of suffering, don’t run away from God. Run to him.
God’s promises are true and you can believe him when He says, “My grace is sufficient for you.”
Alexandra is married to her high school sweetheart Tim and mama to MaryKate, Oliver, and Sunny. She earned her Bachelors in Music from Cornerstone University and enjoys teaching piano lessons and leading worship at Allendale Baptist Church. She is also a business owner providing social media management and marketing for local businesses. When she's not wrangling her active littles, she's probably drinking a latte or rearranging her living room. Again.